Well sweet Adeline, it happened, your birthday came and went and you should be here...now a teenager, but instead you are forever 9. It has been 1,453 days since I last got that final hug and kiss from you and you shared your thoughts on me as a mom.
I don't know what else to say. I have been struggling to find the words and have been hoping to be able to tell everyone how much I miss you because words don't seem to be enough.
So much has changed in the past 4 years since we celebrated your final birthday with us and walked through those last days together. You were always such an amazing little girl and not a day has gone by where you have not been deeply and painstakingly missed. It has been the roughest road that I have ever walked with a weird new joy that carries sadness no mattere how happy a moment is.
I spend every day trying to make you proud...trying to show the world just a bit of the good you would have done. I feel like I continue to fail you on so many levels. I see people who have more recently lost their children doing amazing things and giving back to the world to honor them and I have yet to do anything like that for you. I know that one day I want to start something to honor you, but I just don't know what or how to do it all. It is a lot starting a non-profit and I feel overwelmd at the thought.
Your 13th birthday I worked. It was the 1st of all of your birthdays where I did not call in but I had been sick earlier in the week thanks to COVID and just had to go and see my students' presentations. I am sad that you are not here. I hate that life keeps going without you. I hate that I just want to be with you and can't. I don't want to die yet because I know that so many people need me yet a part of me died with you and living without that part is incredibly challenging.
We went out as a family for your birthday. We went and did a trivia bowl for the National Lampoons Christmas Vacation together. It was fun. I was happy to spend time with family but your presence was missed, we could feel you in little messages but it was missed in so many ways.
You continue to send me the sweetest surprises. I was talking the other day about the birthday tattoo that I am planning for you. I was supposed to go the day after your birthday but it felt too much since I had been sick. I am going the 27th now. Althea and I plan on making a day of it...some thrift stores, IKEA, & Trader Joe's. She went gluten free and Trader Joe's has the best options! It's nice because we know my obsession with TJ's. LOL!
Anyways I am planning on 3 dandelions with 9 wishes to represent you. I was talking to your dad about one of the things that I miss the most being dandelions that you picked for me sitting in our window. You heard me because even though the season was wrong and it was far too cold for dandelions, there was one in the flower pot that you last planted. I couldn't believe it and I wept because I miss you so much and know that our connection continues to power through.
Your dad turned 50 and I threw him a surprise party. You were so missed not only at the party, but during the planning because I know you would have been so eager to help me with each task.
Sometimes I wonder how I have continued living without you and I know that it is through faith and faith only that I have been able to power through. I have gained such a strong spiritualism and connection to the afterlife since you have been gone. I know that there are things that I could be doing to make life better for me and for my family and to improve my health and I am working on them, but need to find the right routines for my own balance. I have all of the tools but the willpower seems to be the thing that is lacking the most.
Well, I have an opportunity to be published and need to go finish writing that piece which I have neglected since getting ill.
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