This entire journey has taught me several things about myself and about those around me. For one, I have struggled my entire life with a fear that people do not like me. I now know that this is a deep insecurity within myself and that it is a problem that I have not those around me. I also have learned just how amazing my friends are. My friend Holly has literally taken care of everything that I have needed. She has went above and beyond what I would ever think that someone would do for me. She has helped with a Go Fund Me that is going to help us get the things that we need to get back into our home. She has even helped raise money for the rental house to help get it flipped faster to make sure that we have a really nice home to live in together. I am so ready to get into the rental this weekend as it has been pretty cramped and there has been little privacy. I don't want my kids to constantly see mommy sad and grieving so I long for my own room again.
I was blessed with Adeline's best friend Leah's mom loving to take photographs. She has went through Facebook accounts, combed through school websites, and more to ensure that we have extra special memories of our little girl. I am so thankful. She had prepared a video for me and told me a while ago. I hadn't been ready, but had her send it to me today. I was ready to see what she had prepared and I am so thankful that I have it now. There have been amazing videos of the pictures that we have taken of our beautiful angel. I am including the two from the funeral home below and the one from Shelly is above. Again, I hope that she never understands that this video means to us. I would never wish this fate on anyone.
In addition to these two amazing women, one of my friends Cari and her partner Jo were there for us in so many ways. They brought us essentials, took care of our needs while we were in the hospital, helped with the packing of all of our totes, took care of so many things that I was not prepared to take care of and showed me the love that I needed. My girls, Bobbie, Amber and Daneen... the three of you helped me so that I could walk out of that funeral home and say my final goodbye to her little body. I appreciate the time that you took to sit with me for hours while I mourned my loss, never making me feel rushed, but just being with me. I appreciate these things so much.
My parents have been super helpful with the kids, my dad was there at the hospital from the beginning as was my brother, Tyler who has also been a lifesaver in so many ways, even driving around 7 hours round trip to pick up a puppy for my kids to have a new pet for Christmas Eve. Lovebug has truly been healing for all of us and I have a feeling that he is going to be my running buddy as I work on getting into better shape. He was running around after me tonight in the little field next to the hotel. My mother-in-law has helped so much with the kids while Shane and I took care of the things that we needed to. It has been a true blessing having her here with me.
Pastor Sue, my minister, has been a wonderful crutch to lean on. Me, in true Amanda fashion, does not want to admit to the pain and feelings that I have, so even when I was trying to avoid things she was persistent and we have a time set up later this week. I know that it will be so good for my soul, but I hate showing how broken I am to those around me.
Althea's best friend's moms, Amy, Melissa, and Ryan were amazing and had their three girls at the hospital to help Althea have some laughs and giggles. It was nice for her to have those moments while Shane and I were feeling so completely broken, yet trying to be strong for her. It was nice to be able to break down and feel the pain that we felt while she was being taken care of.
My aunt, uncles, and grandma have been amazing, helping us with moving, cleaning out the things that were salvageable from the basement (mostly totes of things like baby clothes and the kids' old school stuff, etc.), cleaning the rental, and making repairs. My uncle Dave even took the time to install smoke detectors in every single room in the house. This makes me feel comfortable with being able to move into the house and not worry that there could be a fire. They also brought us a home cooked meal last night. After eating out for three weeks, having a real meal was a big highlight for us.
There are sooooo many more people who have sent us small gifts, items to help us get started when we get into the rental home, and more. A group of people from Ripple, my personal FB page, and the grieving mother's group that I joined have helped me to find Adeline's special ornaments (and some other ones that are very similar to Adeline's). If everything goes right, I will have enough of these ornaments to be able to have one in each room of our home, so that we are always able to see a little reminder of Adeline everywhere that we go. To everyone in my Grateful Dead community, Ripple brothers and sisters, Grateful sisters, the Phunky Thread fans, Phish fans, and the grieving mother's group who have helped me in some way....we are so thankful!! We appreciate everything that anyone has done for us and Drew the clothing was so above and beyond that I think you and your friends will have clothed my children for the next few years. It is so nice to have replacements for so many of the things that we have lost.
We simply cannot list everyone in this blog post, but I needed to list those that I could and shout out to the rest of you that have helped us along the way. We love you all and sincerely hope that none of you ever understand how much we appreciate you and how thankful that we are fully, as that would take you going through the same tragedy and neither of us would wish this pain on anyone, even our worst enemy. In fact, both of us are devastated when we hear about anyone else who has met this fate.
While it is extremely painful and hard to watch these videos, it is likewise hard and painful to not watch these videos. I love to see my sweet girl's smile. I love to hear her voice on the videos that I have of her talking. I love to see her grow and change from that chubby cheeked baby to that beautiful little girl. I just knew that she was going to grow up to be a beautiful young lady, but I was wrong. For some reason God decided that it was her time to come home to him. I will never be able to understand or comprehend this. I am still so devastated and broken. I just want my baby girl back and it is the one thing that I will literally never have.
My dear Sweet Adeline, mommy hopes that you visit soon in my dreams. I feel you all around me so often. Sometimes I feel as though I can hear your voice on the wind. I miss you with my entire soul and I can't wait until I get to Heaven and can hold you again and cuddle you for the rest of eternity. You were taken from me way too soon and I will never understand why God chose me to the the person to lose my beautiful baby girl. I am not going to lose faith though and no matter how sad I am, I am going to push on and try to be better for your brothers and sister. I know that my faith in Jesus is the only thing that will bring me closer to you and allow me to see you again. My dear sweet girl, until I can hold you again I will be longing for that day to come. I just need to be here for a bit longer and then I can be with you, my dear sweet beautiful girl.
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