Sweet Adeline, some days it feels like just yesterday that you held my cheeks between your tiny hands and gave me that last kiss the morning of our fire. I miss you so much. I have not stopped longing for my life to go back to what it was. Things continue to go well for us, but I feel like mentally I am not really able to live because I am so stuck with the desire to be with you, to have you next to me, and to hear you share a story about what your day was like. I have not stopped longing for you, even for a second since you have been gone. I am still as heartbroken today as I was the moment I found out that we had lost you. Love Always, Mom
This was the 5th new year that I have not hand to venture into with my littlest love and it has been a hard thing. I have decided though that I want to live to cherish each day and to do better than I have been because it feels like such a slap in the face to Adeline when I choose to sit around and wallow in my sorrow. I have been trying to better myself. I have been focussing on my health and wellness and all of the things that I need to do to be better and feel better. I am proud of myself for choosing to live, but I can't say that this has been easy. It has been hard and painful.
We've learned to keep Adeline in our holidays and our ornameent exchange did not disappoint this year. It was so fun to hear the stories that everyone wanted to share. I got a mini tinsel tree from Tyler with a tiny color wheel b/c he talked about how Adeline loved tinsel trees as much as me. I am going to set it on my future desk when I get a full time job. Speaking of full time jobs, I did apply for one at ICC but I have faith that God is not going to allow me to get the wrong full time job, so I am okay if I don't get it and it doesn't work out b/c that just means that it was not meant to be the job for me. I wish that I had this level of faith that things will be as they are meant to be before I lost Adeline. Losing her changed this part of me.
It's been the 1st week of the new year. Not much has happened. I entered into 2025 with Andrew in St Louis at Andy Frasco. It was a fun night. I am so blessed to have a child who wants to do things with me, even as an adult. We had a nice time in the city but there were no places open on the 1st to get lunch, so that was frustrating and we ended up at IKEA. Oh well, it is always an adventure.
We did vision boards as a family as a way of starting off our new year. I wanted to set my intentions for 2025. I have already started my read 100 books in 2025 goal and finished books 1 & 2 this week. I read Satan's Affair by HD Carlton and If We Ever Meet Again by Ana Huang. I wanted to start off the year with some fiction.
Andrew kicked off student teaching with a staff day and then had his 1st day with students today. Althea and Huxley went back to school today. I had training today for students in distress and have a bunch of staff things tomorrow between 8 and 1. I begin at Heartland next Tuesday and will start at ICC a week later on Wednesday. So, getting back to work feels good but I have so much to get done before I go back and I feel slightly overwhelmed with trying to accomplish so much these next three days.
So, what to expect out of me for 2025. Well, I am going to post weekly blogs here...at least that is the goal. I want to process through my grief better and find blogging and journaling to be the most healing things for me even though I am not super great at them. I plan on finally finishing up/redoing my yoga instructor training. I am going to work my way back through the course now that I emotionally feel like I am ready for that step. I will start working on that next week with guidelines and goals for each day. I have started working out and will be adding yoga back into my routine. I've been using my vibration board regularly since I recieved it on Christmas. Eventually I see myself doing the vibration board, yoga, meditation/prayer, journaling, & my sauna blanket daily but as with all things, a new routine takes time and I do better with baby steps.
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