Dear Sweet Adeline,
I hope you know how hard I am trying, even though I feel like I am failing in so many ways. I feel so broken and so lost without you. I have become living proof that time certainly does not heal all wounds. In fact, the wounds that were torn open when you left us continue to be ripped wider and feel like they have a greater gap in my very being than they were initially. Today was a day to light a candle for those children who have left this earth too soon and as I lit a candle for you, I couldn't help but choose the one with two wicks to bring intentions to not just you, but Zoe as well. I have been reassured by Zoe's grandma that she believes that she is with you and there to make sure that you know just how much I love you and how much I wish that life had been different.
As I watch the candle wick flicker with the flames burning next to each other, I can't help but wish you were here beside me holding my hand and giving me one of your big hugs. God knows that I miss those hugs most of all and would give anything for one. We are all trying to rebuilid our lives since you've left us, but it is so hard and most days just feels impossible. I worry about things in the world some days, about the days that are to come. I feel like things are not good and that we are in for a lot worse before it gets better. The upheaval, the dispair, the impoverishment of the masses, the issues with the unhoused, and so much more leads me to believe that maybe God spared you from the evil that is this world, but I still selfishly want you here with me.
I still beg God on a regular basis to give you back, to let me wake up from this nightmare and for this to all be a bad dream. Some mornings I wake up and think that you are still here and quickly go to my door only to realize that no the reality is that you are really gone. I don't know why this has to be the fate that I live. You deserved more time here with us. You deserved to be able to pursue all of your dreams and goals. You should have had better. I don't know that I can ever forgive myself for not saving you, but I am trying. I am trying to make sense of the loss of you in any way that I can and yet I know that I can never make sense of this harsh and cruel fate. It is just unfathomable to have to keep living with you.
Tonight friends and family sent me pictures of their lit candles and posted them on social media for you. I hope that you see those candles and know just how special that you are and how much so many of us are missing you each and every day. I don't remember the last day that I went without crying. Days without crying haven't happened for me since we lost you and I am okay with that. Some days I wonder if I will ever run out of tears or if my body will just keep producing more until the day that I die, but I hope I never stop. Each tear is like a little part of my love leaking from nnot being able to give that love to you. I will long for you until we are together again. I will continue to ask why until I get to stand before God and have him answer me. I feel so broken and so alone regardless of how many people I am around.
I am amazed at how you continue to touch other people's lives. We have a final memorial for you next week as they unveil the Habitat house. I am so excited for another family to be able to build beautiful memories on the land that will forever hold the most beautiful memories that I will ever have of home. The memories that I have of you and our life there will forever be the best memories of my life. The memories when my family was whole and when I wasn't constantly longing for my little girl, the memories of when I had it there.
Whatever you are up to, I hope that it is amazing and wonderful and that you are completely free from the pain and hurt of this world. I hope that you always know how much you are missed and how much we all loved you...I am amazed that I still meet new people who tell me stories of how you touched thier children's lives. Some of these children have told their parents that you were their best friend at school and that means that you were really one of those children who was nice to everyone. I couldn't be more proud than I am to be your mom and I will forwever wish that I could make things different. Please know that forever, I will be longing to join you but I know that so many people need me right where I am for now and so I will do my best to carry forth with at least a little of the good that you would have given the world, becuase I know that I could never offer as much good as you would have....but that won't stop me from trying my best!
I love you forever my sweet girl and I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again!!
Love Always,
Mommy
PS I promise that you really are the best baby girl in the entire universe and I hope that you know just how amazing and special you really are.
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